Blood and Egg Nog
Some of you might recall that a couple months ago, in anticipation of Halloween, I blogged about my ideas for a 24 hour Halloween horror movie marathon. With Christmas fast approaching, I thought that maybe I'd do something similar. Of course, it's not Halloween, so consider this the lineup for my 24 hour Christmas horror movie marathon.
(Those of you who don't celebrate Christmas-- or for some odd reason celebrate the holiday without the traditional horror movie marathon-- can feel free to either ignore this post or consider this a secular, Winter Wonderland kinda horror movie marathon. No skin off my mask made of human flesh).
Noon-- Christmas Evil (dir. Lewis Jackson, 1980)
Let's get this thing started right! This might be the best serial killer in a Santa Claus costume ever, if only for the killer's origin. It seems that, as a kid, our killer loved Christmas, and he especially loved the fact that on Christmas Eve one night, Santa came to his house to hang out for a bit. Of course, we the viewer know that Santa is really Dad dressed up, but this kid doesn't realize it. Or, at least, he doesn't realize it until he wanders downstairs hours later and sees Santa going down on his mom! So, naturally, he becomes a serial killer. You'd do the same thing.
1:30-- Santa Claus (dir. René Cardona, 1959)
This isn't really much of a horror movie, but Santa fights Satan to save Christmas. Satan's scary, right? Well, not in this movie-- where he's basically just a guy wearing red long underwear-- but in general. Right?
3:00-- Silent Night, Deadly Night (dir. Charles E. Sellier, Jr., 1984)
This is probably the most famous of the "serial killer in a Santa suit" subgenre, but I'm kind of tempted to just do Silent Night, Deadly Night 2, which is largely just a collection of flashbacks (featuring about 40 minutes from the original film) arranged around some framing devices-- it's not a sequel so much as a re-edited version of the first film. But this movie is important, if only because at the time Mickey Rooney penned a letter of protest against the movie saying that the "scum" responsible for such tasteless holiday exploitation should be "run out of town."
4:30-- Silent Night, Bloody Night (dir. Theodore Gershuny, 1974)
If only to prove that this is not the same movie as Silent Night, Deadly Night.
6:00-- Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (dir. Nicholas Webster, 1964)
There aren't enough movies about Santa Claus "conquering" people. I mean, he's got a flying sleigh and all sorts of sophisticated surveillance equipment-- you just know this guy could kick some ass. As the Martian sons of bitches are about to find out...
7:30-- Gremlins (dir. Joe Dante, 1984)
Some of you might be thinking right about now, "Bradley-- though you're unbearably handsome and undeniably brilliant-- many of these movies aren't that scary." To which I say, "Perhaps you're right-- but here's a movie that features Judge Reinhold in a supporting role. Judge 'Spooky' Reinhold." Quake in terror, motherfuckers.
9:30-- The Nightmare Before Christmas (dir. Henry Selick, 1993)
'Cause we needed some Christmas music.
11:00-- Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toymaker (dir. Martin Kitrosser, 1991)
You know who plays The Toymaker? None other than Mickey "Run 'em Out of Town" Rooney. Things were a bit rough for poor Mickey in the 90s...
12:30-- Jack Frost (dir. Michael Cooney, 1996)
This isn't the movie where Michael Keaton gets reincarnated as a snowman so he can play hockey with his kid. This is the movie where a snowman fucking kills people. A lot of people think that's a stupid concept. That's why I egged their cars.
2:00-- Black Christmas (dir. Bob Clark, 1974)
No surprise here, right? I mean, it's the best horror and Christmas movie ever.
It dawns on me at this point that I'm kinda out of movies. I mean, I could add things like Santa Claws, but I haven't seen that, and don't know a damn thing about it. So that feels like cheating. Plus, if we don't get to bed soon, Santa won't come. And I've hung my stocking by the chimney with care and have been quite good this year, so there's no way I'm missing out on this year's Christmas booze and porn. So at this point, I'm kicking everyone out so I can get some sleep. No hard feelings, I hope.