Beauty Tips for Presidential Candidates


"One older man at the Dakota City, Iowa event, the last stop on Clinton's 'Middle Class Express' bus tour, had a bit of beauty advice for Clinton.

"Ernest Kellenberger, 84, brought a printout from the Internet with several pictures of Paris Hilton. He said Clinton should copy Hilton's hairstyle, pointing out a picture of the heiress with an upsweep. He said Clinton having her hair 'all hanging down like she just got out of bed' isn't going to work, especially in foreign countries."

I like that this 84-year-old Iowan is going all Queer Eye on a presidential candidate. And he's kind of a bitch, isn't he? "She thinks she's going to meet with foreign dignitaries with her hair all hanging down like she just got out of bed? Hello! Oh no you didn't! Don't go there!"

Of course, Hillary's had to put up with a whole lot of superficial shit in this campaign, and of course no one would ever think to approach, say, Rudy Giuliani and tell him, "You know, that comb-over just isn't working" (though, really-- somebody should). But leaving all that aside, can't we just all agree that the idea of an 84-year-old man from Dakota City, Iowa giving Hillary Clinton beauty tips is just kinda hysterical?

And come to that... let's offer up beauty tips for some of the other candidates, right here on this blog. I'll start.

John McCain-- Shave your head. It'll look tough. Like Bruce Willis in the last Die Hard movie. Also, he played John McClane in those movies. You're John McCain. Maybe you could confuse some voters into thinking they're voting for the character who saved the day in four action-packed blockbusters, rather than just some monumental douche who traded credibility for a shot at being a third-rate presidential candidate.

Mitt Romney-- That oily, used car salesman hair of yours has got to go. Think George Clooney from E.R.'s second season-- that Ceasar haircut, you know? You could pull that off, totally. If you insist on keeping that current disaster of a hairstyle, though, then I insist that you grow a moustache to twirl.

Dennis Kucinich-- Dude, your wife has a tongue piercing. Return the favor and get one yourself.

Ron Paul-- You should try to be taller.

Rudy Giuliani-- Again, get rid of the comb-over. You're not fooling anyone. If your baldness is really an issue for you, just do what Leif Garrett did and tie a bandana around your head. That looks awesome.

Newer Post Older Post Home