Wal-Mart: You'll Shop Here 'Cause We Say So

As some of you know, I hate the Wal-Mart. I come from a long-line of Wal-Mart haters, going back to... well, just my dad, really. But it's not like Wal-Mart's been around for centuries, you know.

Anyway... I hate Wal-Mart for a variety of reasons. The low-quality of the shit they sell. Their unethical business practices. Exploitation of undocumented workers. Institutionalized misogyny. Aggressive anti-union activity. The God-awful lighting in their stores. Seriously... if scientists ever discover a reason to shop at Wal-Mart, I promise I'll blog about it. But till then, I hate the store.

Nevertheless, I'm kinda psyched to read about Wal Mart's new advertising slogan. No more of that "Always Low Prices" mantra. I mean, that's old-school. Where's the sense of excitement? Who gets worked up over "Always Low Prices"? That kinda shit might have been okay for, like, the 90s-- but times have changed, man. Let's get with the 21st century already.

"Save Money. Live Better."

Now that's a slogan! I mean, everyone likes saving money, but if that alone were enough, then the old slogan would have sufficed, wouldn't it? But no way man. No way. My generation demands more. Hence, "Live better." What this slogan tells us is that, if you shop at Wal-Mart, you'll not only have a few extra bucks in your wallet-- your smoker's cough is gonna disappear! Your spouse will become interested in you again-- sexually! The guy in the apartment upstairs will quit working out at one in the morning! Your Chevy Nova will get more miles to the gallon! That strange lump will go away on its own! You're gonna live better, motherfucker, 'cause you buy your hub caps, beef jerky, X-Box games, Christmas sweaters, and Triscuits at Wal-Mart. Boo-yah! An extra five bucks in your wallet, and a better life than you can currently imagine, oh ye who still shop at fuckin' Target! You loser!

Damn! I'm so stoked over this! Though Wal-Mart, if you're reading this, I have an even better slogan for you. You can even have it for free, man-- it's about time someone gave something back to Wal-Mart, after all. Anyway, here it is-- "Save Money. Live Forever." Huh? Huh?

To be serious for a moment-- while it's true that, according to one study, Wal-Mart improved people's lives by saving them around $2500 a year, it also needs to be noted that the presence of a Wal-Mart is often really, really bad for a small town's local economy-- other businesses wind up closing, people wind up unemployed (or working 39 hours a week at Wal-Mart for minimum wage). So, while it's true that selling low-quality crap at low-quality prices saves people money in the short term, many people still feel that Wal-Mart actually has a detrimental impact on the average family's quality of life in the long run.

But, again, I don't like player-hating.

Wait a second-- yes I do. It's onions on pizza I don't like. Player-hating's fine in my book. My mistake.

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