Incertus

I've lost a friend, and I am sad...

[...confessional mode...]

I've been having a bad week: one of my friendships, which are the things I value most in this world, has come to an ignominious end. It's been dying for the past two years -- it's been in a coma for the past year -- and now it's gone. I did everything I could to save it, I really did.

It's the accepting that is the hard part.

There was no "falling out," no conflict or bad turn of events... just a friend who closed down and shut me (she claims everyone) out. I worried for her and still worry for her, because I think she is causing herself harm, but my saying so has led to an "ideological impasse" as she puts it: I want to be friends, and she does not.

You can call this immature (commentors did when I wrote about my problems to Cary Tennis), but I really do think human connection is the meaning of life, without which we are nothing. A very Mrs. Dalloway kind of thing. Or is it Howards End I'm thinking of? Only Connect! Something like that: I love people, my heart does not stay within my own chest, and losing a friend is like losing a part of myself.

And so... I am sad.