In response to public outcry, Erewhon Publishing has instituted a stringent new "cards on the table" policy. In the future, every memoirist will be required to provide evidence of his or her dysfunction: arrest records, needle tracks, urine and stool samples -- and in the case of Martin Amis, dental bills.
Scary relatives must provide DNA evidence of kinship. Wish-fulfillment detectors will be distributed to editors on an as-needed basis. In the meantime, Erewhon Publishing has instituted a comprehensive fact checking of our back catalog. While still in its preliminary stages, our review has already uncovered troubling inconsistencies in the following memoirs:
"Speak, Memory" by Vladimir Nabokov
The author loses his first butterfly at Vyra, Russia, finds it again 40 years later in Colorado. Average life span for a butterfly is 20 to 40 days. Suggest changing "butterfly" to "giant tortoise."
"Song of Myself" by Walt Whitman
Reviewers have flagged the following line:Do I contradict myself?
Very well then, I contradict myself ...
This is the kind of factual defiance we will no longer accept from our memoirists. Please change second line to: "Sorry."