My Vision Has Returned and My Nose Has Stopped Running

As several of you know, I really like spicy food. My parents raised us on a steady diet of really hot Mexican food-- we never had a jar of "medium" salsa in the house, and I would say roughly half of my mother's recipes called for a liberal helping of some type of chili. So it was with great enthusiasm that, at the grocery story last night, I discovered "Dave's Insanity Sauce," which bills itself (right on the bottle) as "The Original Hottest Sauce in the Universe!" Well, with a slogan like that, I was a goner.

So this morning, when reaching for something to put on my eggs (Tabasco sauce? Sweet Baby Ray's "Hot-N-Spicy" Barbecue sauce? Salsa?), I remembered my find from the night before, and grabbed the bottle. I suppose I was expecting something like Tabasco sauce or Louisiana Hot Sauce or the sauce at Ricky's (the South Florida spot made famous in The King of Kong)-- it was in one of those smaller bottles. Which was why I was surprised to find that the sauce came out much thicker, like barbecue sauce. Ah, well, I thought, pouring liberally. It didn't have a smell to it at all-- how hot could it be?

It turns out, this shit is Satan in a bottle. And not Milton's super-sexy, "kinda guy girls fuck to get back at their dads" kinda Satan, either. I mean the guy from Children of the Corn-- some evil motherfucker with lava for blood and a nuclear reactor for a heart. That's how hot this sauce is.

I started sweating. My eyes started watering. My nose started running. I even-- for the first time in I don't know how many years-- drank milk, something I vowed to never do again once I moved out of my parents' house and was no longer subject to their rules. I mean, it was bad. Especially that second bite-- you know, the one "just to be sure." Ouch. In hindsight, that was the crupidest thing I've ever done.

I'm feeling better now, but I feel the need to warn the world: Use Dave's Insanity Sauce sparingly, if you must use it at all. They really mean it-- it is the original hottest sauce in the universe. I mean that literally-- there are planets that are much closer to the sun that can't come up with a sauce this hot.

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