Jonah Goldberg Sucks Ass and a Random Ten

I'm all out of clever today. Bite me.

Pointing out flaws in Jonah Goldberg's reasoning is a bit like shooting drunk fish in a barrel with no water-- it's not too challenging, it's not very sporting, and it's frankly not the sort of thing a man who still has to write up an introduction for tonight's creative nonfiction reading should be doing. But... well, he's such an asshole. I should probably just let this go, but...

In his most recent display of profound stupidity, Goldberg aims high and decides to take Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, and Madonna down a peg. If I understand him correctly, Goldberg thinks that women who pay off poker debts with sexual favors, have sex tape scandals, and make out with Brittney Spears on awards shows should not be considered role models. With me so far?.

The trouble with this reasoning, of course, is that no one-- except for conservatives trying to construct straw man liberals-- has ever argued that these women are role models. I can't imagine there's a parent in the world-- liberal or conservative-- who has ever thought, "Someday, that's going to be my little princess, getting out of the limo without underwear on!" And kids don't look up to Pamela Anderson or Madonna, because they very likely don't know who the hell these women are-- Pam and Madonna had their moment in the sun years ago. Sure, they'll always be kinda famous, but they'll never again be the pop culture forces they once were. And Paris is famous because people hate her. Or did you not notice the nationwide celebration that coincided with her incarcertation?

What's even more interesting is Goldberg's complete lack of reflection when it comes to the media's role in creating celebrities, and the way these celebrities embody conservative values. He criticizes the press for being "professionally and personally infatuated with celebrity" in a colum devoted to discussing Pam Anderson's marriage, Paris Hilton's sex tape, and Madonna's reinvention of herself as a working mom. Pot, meet kettle.

Furthermore, it's striking to see someone like Goldberg-- a conservative dittohead-- make a proclamation like, "The working-class teenage girl who tries to follow in Madonna’s or Paris’s or Pam’s footsteps isn’t going to follow them into the pages of People magazine." Uh... dude? Don't fake concern with "working-class teenage girls," okay? You hate the poor, you hate the young, and you hate women. Try to keep that in mind.

And then there's this little gem: "When a woman pushing 50 who looks like she’s been working out in a Bolivian prison yard declares she won’t use her sex appeal as a marketing tool anymore, maybe it’s a tad less courageous than all that? I hear Abe Vigoda just announced he won’t be touting his buns of steel to peddle his line of Old Man Pants either." Because as we all know, as women age, they just get hideous. The very idea that someone would ever want to fuck a woman who's older than 40 is just grooooooss.

At this point, I would like to point out that Mrs. Jonah Goldberg is 44 years old. Presumably, she's the least-satisfied woman in America. Or she's fucking the pool guy. Either way, her husband thinks her best years are behind her, which is pretty sad, if you ask me.

What's most striking about all of this is that one man-- Rick Salomon-- is at the center of both the Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton stories, yet he barely gets a mention. Pam talks about paying off poker debts by performing sexual favors of Rick Salomon; Paris had a private sex tape released by Salomon, her ex-boyfriend. And yet the problem, as Goldberg sees it, isn't that Lord Douch of Shitbag Manor keeps exploiting women; no, the problem is that these women are harlots.

Sensitive guy, old Jonah.

I doubt I'll ever come to Pais Hilton's defense again (unlike Goldberg, I genuinely do have a problem with decadent rich people), but the fact of the matter is, Paris was clearly Rick Salomon's victim. She apparently got on with her life (and even sent Pam and Rick a video camera as a joke wedding present), so good for her, but still. She was all of, what? 19-years-old when she made that tape? And furthermore, if you've ever watched that tape-- and I have-- you realize that it's impossible for anyone but the most committed misogynist to find it arousing. Here's this young girl constantly saying, "I love you" to this unseen man who keeps whispering things like "You dirty slut" and "Show me your pussy," and you know that he's destined to further exploit her by releasing the video as soon as they break up-- that he was, presumably, planning to do so as he was making the damn thing.

But yeah. Salomon's not the issue here. It's the harlotry. Won't somebody think of the children?

Here's the Random Ten. What you do is, get your music player drunk, convince it that you love it, and then sweet talk it into playing ten songs at random, with the understanding that it will only be between the two of you. Then, once you've got your Random Ten, put it on the Internet for all the world to see. And remember-- it's the music player's fault. Harlot.

1) Prince-- "Thieves in the Temple"
2) Public Enemy-- "Fight the Power"
3) Reel Big Fish-- "She Has a Girlfriend Now"
4) Morrissey-- "I Will See You in Far Off Places"
5) Regina Spektor-- "Music Box"
6) Regina Spektor-- "Edit"
7) Lily Allen-- "Smile"
8) Moby-- "Love Should"
9) John Cale-- "Movement 1-- From Kiss"
10) The Velvet Underground-- "Sheltered Life (Demo)"

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