Doug Giles Is Such a Tough Guy

I haven't written about political and/or social issues in a few days now, and-- to be honest-- I'm a happier person for it. Why, just yesterday, morning, I slept in and, when I finally got up, called to Emily, "Where's my Cuddle Bear? C'mere and get your big snuggly-wuggly." Which prompted Emily to request that I find something in the blogosphere to get pissed off about so that I would never, ever say such a thing again.

So it's with that in mind that I held my nose and read this week's Doug Giles column. When you can't find anything crazy, stupid, or crupid to blog about, you can usually count on Doug Giles-- there are single-celled organisms that are better at rational thought than old Doug. I've had meals that were better able to articulate an argument. Doug Giles has, to paraphrase the great cartoonist Evan Dorkin, "the wit of a 4-year-old, the subtlety of a nuclear war, and the class of a cock fight." What I mean to say is, I hate Doug Giles and think he's dumb, dumb, dumb.

Anyway, this week's column will not go down in history as either the best or worst thing Giles has ever written-- it's mostly just his usual misunderstanding of current events mixed with his usual misunderstanding of Scripture combined with his usual "ultra-super hip" pop cultural references. Today, in his discussion of the Larry Craig scandal, we're treated to references to Queen Latifah, George Michael, Woody Allen, Scarlett Johansson, restless leg syndrome, the Beatles, and-- in an oddly contemporary touch-- Justin Timberlake. More importantly, though, this week Doug Giles actually advocates violence against homosexuals.

You heard me right-- this man of God who prides himself on his ability to "connect" with "the kids" has actually written a column arguing in favor of the savage beating of gay people.

Take a look at what Doug Giles says he would do if a gay man hit on him:

"A). crush his metatarsals like Queen Latifah on a live cockroach,

"B). drain my bladder in the shoe housing his newly-crushed foot,

"C). proceed to stuff his balding head in the toilet he was using, and…

"D). call the cops to haul his near-drowned, lesson-learned, badly-beaten body to the nearest police department."

You read it here first, Incertus fans-- Doug Giles is into gay S & M and watersports.

That's actually not that funny-- I can't imagine how stupid you'd have to be to actually listen to this doofus, but people apparently buy his books and listen to him on the radio, so they're out there, drinking Mountain Dew, eating Slim Jims for breakfast, and listening to the same fucking Creed album they've been listening to since 1999. So how does this advocate of personal responsibility and spiritual purity use his influence? By encouraging his audience to physically attack other human beings.

What a degenerate fucking scumbag. I don't actually believe in hell, but if I did, I'd like to think that any loving God would reserve a special place in it for people like Giles, who encourage violence in His name.

Of course, the other interesting thing about this column is that Giles is relentlessly attacking one of his own-- Larry Craig, as we all know, is an anti-gay rights Republican. Just a couple of weeks ago, he was working hard to create the kind of world Doug Giles wants to raise his Satanic little brood in. But now he's gay? Punch him in the metatarsels and give him a swirlie, man!

I want to echo some of the sentiments I've been reading throughout the liberal blogosphere-- Larry Craig, you have my (qualified) sympathies. I'd like for you to feel free to be who you want to be, and do what (and who) you want to do. You spent your life associated with the Doug Gileses of the world-- hateful little cretins who want to hurt and destroy everything good and beautiful in the world; if your perspective is warped from constant self-loathing as a result of being surrounded by such monsters, well... it's really no surprise, is it? Be gay and be proud, Larry-- the hatemongers will always hate, and I suppose someone will always be willing to put them on the radio. But it's because they are the freaks, and everyone loves a freakshow.

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