Let's "Get Jiggy" with Jesus "Up in Here", "Dawg"

Finding stupidity in the writings of Doug Giles is slightly easier than stealing candy from a dead baby. Giles, for those of you who don’t know, is one of those ultra-right wing fundamentalists who wants to brutalize people into accepting Jesus as the Prince of Peace. Sure, you’re thinking, those guys are irritating, but they’re a dime-a-dozen. What makes Giles so special?

Glad you asked.

Giles combines the intellect of Michael Savage, the aggressive fundamentalism of James Dobson, the misogyny of Andrew Dice Clay and the general hatefulness of George Wallace with the rhetorical skills of the creepy old guy at the dance club on 18 and over night. You know, the guy with the gray ponytail in a denim jacket who keeps using slightly-antiquated slang in order to show that he is still “down” with what the “young people” are “into.” So reading Doug Giles is good for a laugh not just because he’s an idiot, but because he’s an idiot who actually thinks that what he’s saying sounds really “hip” and “gnarly” and “far-out.”

Today’s column is no exception. He’s ostensibly giving advice to College Republican-types who want to get their message out there, but he’s so clearly out-of-touch, the “advice” is just ridiculous. Here are some examples, offered with my usual bon mots:

“Get a sense of humor. Most liberal profs and student activists are a screeching, nerve grating, nasally bunch of whiners. As a matter of fact, I’d rather watch Janet Reno do jumping jacks and hack squats in Borat’s thong than listen to the hemp clothed, goatee bearing, chunky liberal bleat.”

Ha! There’s nothing the kids like more than a reference to a former attorney general who assumed office when they were four years old. And remember Borat’s thong from last year? LOL!

And do liberals really have goatees anymore? I shaved mine off when I noticed that at least two of those Blue Collar Comedy Tour guys had them, which indicated to me that the goatee had been appropriated by douchebags and Klansmen. If we’ve taken it back, I missed the memo.

“Get prayerful. Most folks on the ludicrous left who embrace what 21st century Dhimmocrats currently spew are admitted atheists. Seeing that they don’t believe in the God who is, I’m a guessin’ they are probably not down the funnel with the discipline of prayer. That is, until they’re about to die. Then, of course, they start praying like Chris Tucker freshly filled with the Holy Ghost and fire. Since they refuse to believe and pray to God, they have no supernatural help in their hapless cause. At least no positive supernatural help, because we all know demons love to assist these guys. But I digress…”

Maybe I just don’t remember Chris Tucker that well (I know there’s a new Rush Hour movie coming out, but really—didn’t he kind of just disappear after 2001 or so?), but was he really famous for aggressive, enthusiastic praying?

And can I just point out that it’s fascinating that Doug Giles is claiming to honestly believe that people like me actually have contracted with demons in order to get supernatural assistance, even while claiming that we don’t believe in God. Are there really people who believe in demonic forces, but don’t believe in God? Perhaps. But you don’t generally see those beliefs advertised on The Daily Kos.

“…God-fearing traditionalist, ask God for a) crazy clout to change yourself so that you’re not a waste-oid He’s got to work around…”

Waste-oid?

“At today’s universities, college student, you will be a radical if you don’t lock step to the secularization, slutification and wussification that these institutions and their devotees try to cram up your and America’s backside. So, put on your leather jacket, grab a nice cigar, climb on your Von Dutch and tell these God-, country-, goodness- and common sense-haters to get bent. Go against the grain. Stand alone if you have to. To upgrade your rebel yell, read Rosa Parks: My Story, by Rosa Parks, listen to some Godsmack and stand tall.”

Godsmack? Wussification?

And I like the argument that abstaining from sex is somehow “radical.” Do you realize what this means? I was the biggest radical ever when I was in high school! And here I thought it was bad skin.

And speaking of ugly…

“Get sharp looking. Most campus Liberals have a monopoly on ugly. They are neither pleasing to the ear nor eye. Do not follow their lead, young conservative. If they want to look sloven, unshorn and tie-dyed let ‘em. You, however, should run in the opposite direction.

“Don’t believe that crap about looks don’t matter. The heck they don’t. If I have the choice between these two options: 1) to look at and listen to an obese girl with frizzed out hair and so many piercings that it looks like a tackle box blew up in her face while she’s wearing no bra with her 40DDD floppies staring right at me while she is yelling or 2) to look at and listen to a svelte, well put together, conscientious lass graciously appealing to me, I am telling you right here and now that I’ll choose #2. The nasty girl has offended my senses, lost my attention and I could not care less what she has got to say. Call me crazy.”

I was going to say “crupid,” actually. You actually just told your audience of adolescents—people notoriously obsessed with appearance to the point of severe self-esteem problems and eating disorders—that if they’re not attractive, they don’t matter. Brilliant rhetorical maneuver, Doug. Let your reader know how insignificant and worthless they are. That will persuade.

As far as Republican women being more attractive than liberals… That’s a tough-sell. I guess there are probably guys who will go for women in American Flag windbreakers and WWJD? T-shirts (it seems like anything you can imagine, there’s some fetish website devoted to it), but I’ve always been partial to cute hippie grrls who listen to Ani Difranco, make vegetarian chili, and aren’t embarrassed to buy sex toys. But c’est la vie. One word of caution, though—liberated women tend to be adventurous and open-minded; that College Republican you’re so attracted to is wearing a ring on her finger because she put her vagina in her dad’s safe-keeping until he’s determined she’s ready to get married.

“Get your grades up.”

This is the ninth item on a list of ten things to do to be an effective college radical for the status quo. I just like that it occurred to him at the end, “Yeah—don’t flunk out. That would screw up the plan.” I mean, obviously, you go to college so that you can promote your own ideology and religion, but unfortunately those bastards expect you to occasionally crack open a book, too.

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