So... the Mayor of Ft. Lauderdale is a Crazy Person, Then?

This probably isn't news to Amy or Brian, but I was kind of surprised to find that the mayor of Ft. Lauderdale is so terrified of gay people that he wants to install robotic toilets throghout the city at a cost of $250,000 per... um... robot toilet.

"We're trying to provide a family environment where people can take their children who need to use the bathroom," Mayor Jim Naugle said, "without having to worry about a couple of men in there engaged in a sex act."

So this sounds like a good plan, right? I mean, who wants to take their innocent toddler to the men's room only to find rough-as-hell man-on-man action going in the stall next door, right? And this sort of thing happens all the time. Just ask... well, Jim Naugle. He seems to be the only one who's observed this phenomenon.

"There's no evidence, no reports or arrests made for any men having sex in any restrooms," said police Sgt. Frank Sousa.

Oh. Well.

Still, that $250,000 isn't going to spend itself, is it?

Actually, I get that Jim Naugle is a religious man whose faith causes him to fear that which he does not understand. Honestly, I get it. But what Jim Naugle needs to understand is that other people have fears too, fears which will only be made worse by the presence of robot toilets. I mean, I'm a little afraid of the robojohn's "self-cleaning" seats. How does that work? Does the toilet actually secrete its own chemicals? What happens when the machine malfunctions, and an ass gets disfigured? My ass is awesome-- my life would be ruined if it was burned by a faulty robot.

Also, the article says that the cybercommode plays music. What kind of music? I have a rather bashful bladder-- I can't pee if Emily's on the other side of the door talking to me. I surely can't pee if I'm being forced to listen to Celine Dion's "I'm Your Lady." And so as I stand there, trying to tune out the tunes, suddenly the robot decides I've been in there long enough-- better open the door to make sure there's no felching going on!-- and suddenly I'm exposed for all of Ft. Lauderdale to see? That's terrifying!

Of course, worst of all, what happens if the Crapbot 3000 achieves sentience? Has anyone even thought of that? If there's one thing I've learned from watching really shitty (ha!) movies after midnight on the Sci Fi channel, it's that once humanity starts relying on technology too much, that technology comes to life and destroys humanity. I can't be the only one terrified of homophobic toilet robots, armed with easy-listening music and gallons and gallons of piss, hunting down and enslaving us all.

You know how I hate to get all political, but I've got to say that I just don't think robot toilets that cost a quarter of a million dollars are really a sound investment for the city of Ft. Lauderdale.

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