Making War More Fun for Everyone!
Okay. I've been posting to this blog for the past month or so now, and I've really enjoyed it. Even when I disagree with Brian, Amy, or Emily, I usually find their opinions so well-reasoned that they at least make me reconsider my opinions on some issues.
Not this time.
All three of my co-bloggers have written some pretty disparaging things about the so-called "gay bomb" below. They seem to regard it as "stupid" or "a waste of time and money" or "really, really stupid." But they're wrong. The gay bomb is totally awesome, as are some of the other projects the U.S. military has recently undertaken, as outlined in this article.
What the peaceniks and Little Lilly Liberals don't seem to realize is that we're not just talking about a bomb that somehow "turns people gay." I mean, as if! That would be stupid. No, this is something different:
This is a bomb that gets people really, really turned on-- so much so that they put aside their weapons in order to fuck anything that will let them. In this case, it happens to be the other guy in the foxhole. But just imagine... if someone detonated one of these non-lethal bombs in your neighborhood, you could stay home for, like, a week, getting it on, and there's no way your boss could fire you-- you were the victim of an attack, after all.
In fact, if I'm elected president, my first official act will be to authorize the use of these weapons. All over the world. We'll have a day of worldwide coitus. And if that won't make the world a better, safer place, I don't know what will.
But the Pentagon isn't just trying to make the world a better place for orgasms and the people who have them. No, no. They've also funded research into psychic teleportation. Yeah, that's right-- psychic teleportation. In addition to giving us the edge militarily, psychic teleportation has all sorts of practical peacetime applications. Like, what if you're watching Must-See TV, but you really have to pee, and you're still five minutes away from the next commercial? Zap! You're in the bathroom, you evacuate, and Zap! You're back in your beanbag chair noshing on a Slim Jim and laughing at the crazy antics of Ross and Rachel.
(Obviously, we could have used this technology in 1997, when I knew which shows were part of the Must-See TV line-up).
But my favorite use of tax dollars for military experiments has to be the spy sharks. I don't want to ruin it for you-- just click on the link above and read all about it. And remember-- spy sharks. It's like a James Bond adventure written by Peter Benchley and directed by Timothy Leary. It's da bomb. No-- it's da sex bomb.
I think it's rather appropriate that I should read about all of these exciting developments this week, as I've just finished re-reading Grant Morrison's epic comic book series The Invisibles this week. For those of you unfamiliar with Morrison-- he's primarily known for his comic book work, which goes from the mainstream (Justice League of America, New X-Men, Batman) to the more esoteric (the 90s revival of The Doom Patrol, Sebatian O, Kill Your Boyfriend, and The New Adventures of Hitler). He's also sort of famous for writing about his experiences with psychotropic drugs, chaos magic, and an alien abduction experience that may or may not be metaphorical.
Anyway, The Invisibles follows a a cell of fashionable, sexy, clever terrorists as they travel across the world, through time, and to several different dance clubs as they try to save the world from the forces of self-hatred and repression before our world ends (or, rather, evolves into its next state) on December 21, 2012. Over the course of their adventures, they find themselves utilizing psychic booby traps, a drug that causes its users to view signifiers (words) as that which they signify (things), and a meditation technique that allows them to travel back in time in order to recruit the Marquis de Sade to their ranks.
In short, these comic book heroes/ terrorists utilized technology similar to that which our government has been trying to develop. And I've got to tell you, the results were awesome. I highly recommend the book. And if you want the world to be more like a comic book, I would suggest that you shut up and get behind our government as they endeavor to make the wars of the future more silly and entertaining.