My lifestyle is, apparently, very-very healthy.

First, I sleep a lot. Insomnia? Not me! In fact, I've always been a little more worried about developing narcolepsy: I'm like one of those baby-dolls who close their eyes as soon as you recline them: Zzzzzz, off I go.

As THIS ARTICLE explains, my snooziness is the only thing that's keeping me from ballooning to 300lb. (I can conclude this because I love to eat, drink a ton of beer and can't stand to -- ie: "don't" -- exercise.)

Ah, but all that beer must be hurting me in some other way, huh? Well, maybe not. I've long embraced the barhall wisdom that hops enhance the bust-line, but now I DISCOVER IN THIS ARTICLE that hops help prevent prostate cancer, too!

I am aware that I don't have a prostate, but I'm sure there's an analogous effect on one of my womanly organs. I'm just sure of it.

Yes, I'm a healthy half-comatose beer-swilling broad over here. But it gets better: "Coffee may counteract alcohol's poisonous effects on the liver and help prevent cirrhosis, researchers say." JACKPOT!

I'm starting to think I should never have quit cigarettes: next week they'll be discovered to reduce my chances of spinal fracture.

Low-fat foods are bad for you. Sweet-n-low will put you in the grave. The road to health is paved with cookies and lined with barbecues and beers.

The only thing that pisses me off is the discovery that WOODY ALLEN was RIGHT... because as much as I love that movie, I can't stand that guy.

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